I think everyone keeps expecting me to somehow be OK.

But I'm not. If I complain too much, I'll just chase everyone else away.

I don't know what to do. I just tried to keep up with Therapy again; then I sprained my ankle so badly...it hurts so friggin' much. I won't be able to handle that much walking & the stairs at my Therapists office till next week. ::sigh:: I really need that help now, almost more than ever!!

There is no money coming in here. The depression is HUGE!!! Foreclosure is a mere three months away (est.)

We have no family, and no "friends" have offered to help.

I want nothing more than to die. I had to be honest with my Psychiatrist & Therapist that I hate my life and don't want it. I said I know what to do if I ever become seriously suicidal again. But really, why would I?? So I can sit in a shithole for 2 weeks 30 miles from my home. My dad hates me. My uncle doesn't care about me. My aunt (goodness, I really wanted her to love me...) just wants money...haha, what a joke!?! I am probably ruining things with my sweet boyfriend because I never see him due to my always being so sick & crazy. I am so fucking totally nothing. I pray every day for a terminal illness to just let me die already.

Seems most everyone else is taking vacations. Buying a new home or car. Getting married. Having kids. I'm waiting to become homeless or find the courage to kill myself b4 I become homeless. It sounds like how could that really happen, but our credit is horrible, there is no current employment...who would rent to us?? Nobody has even offered up a room till we get back on our feet. There is still a few more months where hopefully someone will hire my mom. She's trying really hard, has a very impressive resume and employment/experience background. It's so horrible out there. I feel so bad for all the people in this situation. However, at the same time...I may be a little jealous when other people are getting what they want out of life...but I'm mainly happy for them. The people I know, I truly care for...and want them to be healthy and happy. Sometimes their good news will actually make my day. That kinda just reminds me that overall I am a good person. So why did/does all this SHIT happen to me?? And no, I'm not playing the victim here. I couldn't make myself sick, nor can I make it go away. As for the family issues, I tried so hard with those people. But it simply didn't matter. All it did was remind me just how useless I am, and how hopeless a positive future is ;c(

I fucking hate myself!!!!!!! My life with Vitiligo, depression, family hating me because of my depression, a nut-fuck rest of the family, then getting so sick with a horrid immune system and Fibromyalgia...and losing most of my friends...it has all taken a very serious toll on my quality of life...or lack thereof. It's so horrible & boring that it's driving me insane. I'm always too sick or in too much pain to ever have fun anymore. It's not getting better either. Everyone keeps telling me it will. It's getting worse. Ever since I was a kid, I've been sick. Nobody gets it. I'm like a shadow fragment of an already damaged girl. That semi-fun Kimmy I used to be, has been dead for so long. It's not fair. I understand people get sick, it happens...but why did I also have to get the worlds most shittiest family ever to make it all even worse...with their complete lack of support, care, effort, help, love or anything!!??!!

It's so shitty to be in the Emergency Room, and literally have no family to call. Nobody cares. You might think it's because I'm super annoying with all my problems. But it's more the result of what my "father" did to me that created most of my drama/depression in the first place. If I felt more loved, I'd feel more worth it in this life...yeah, just more self-worth and some actual self-esteem would feel so nice. I know my mom loves me so much. That means everything to me. But it's still so hard knowing I have 5 relatives out there who are supposed to love me. But they don't even acknowledge my existence. That crushes my little world into many pieces. Then I begin to have the most horrible, horrible thoughts...

I guess I get it. I'm ugly, sick, crazy, stupid and useless. Almost everything positive I write is fake!! At least this is the real me. And the real me is so fucking scared, you have no idea. I totally fear my safety. I don't feel worth anything...all I feel is hopeless and exhausted.

All that pity party aside: Oh my goodness I totally miss Andrew (my cousin who passed in 2005) so much!!!!!!!! My mom & I will surely think a lot about him Wednesday (April 18th) for his Birthday. I want to call my aunt and let her know how sorry I still am about his passing, but I don't know what to do with all that because it's so complicated. I wish we could just love each other...because truthfully, her, my mom and I are all each other have!! She probably feels as lonely as I do...and that sucks!! I tried reaching out to her recently. All she did was start harassing my mom about $$. WTF?? It's like "hello," I'm here...can't you just love me??

I'm fantasizing about my death way, way, way too much. I don't see a way out of this. It's not something I can fix. The only way to make it better, is to go-the-fuck-away!!!

I got these for my mom as an early Valentine's Day Gift!!! I picked out the crazy assortment, then asked the florist to arrange it all pretty. She did a wonderful job!!! They're so pretty and smell so fresh & lush. HAH, my mom likes them so much...she won't share.

I had a truly wonderful Saturday!!! Got a mani/pedi with my mom, then we went to lunch. Then I went out to our amazing & local Florist...Pesche's. That shop is so full of *pretty*...I wouldn't even let myself look at all the cute V-day Teddy Bears and stuff. Yeah, it was just a very nice day. I really needed that!! ::yippee::

I visited my Granparents @ the Cemetery today. I of course brought flowers. Some beautiful colored mini roses cut short with a yellow bow on it. It was hard to find them (again.) I try to remember 4 rows back, and aligned with a big tree across the road. Since there was snow covering everything, it took some investigating. Finally, I saw letters that were in my last name. I wiped both my Grandma & Grandpa's little in-ground headstones. Then, I stood there and cried like crazy. Nobody was around me. I just cried. I said I miss them so many times. I said I love them so many times. I said I'm sorry their family fell apart in the way that it did. Normally I ask for help to fix the situation. Today, I just wished for hope to get over them and I'm so sorry.

That woman and that man deserved to have their sons be kind...especially to the only girl child in the family. I'm sure they probably are kind, just not with me. I was remembering Holidays with all of us at the table. Heating up leftovers the next morning. Eating delicious brownies. Playing in the basement and attic was so fun with my wild imagination and all the cool stuff there to play with.

I miss them more than anybody!!! They knew what unconditional love was. They had it; for me and their sons. Unconditional love is rather rare these days. It's a damn shame too. Family and love...seems so simple.

It was a happy/sad event. I'm glad there are pretty flowers next to them. ❀ ♥ ✿

i really don't want to be alive anymore. too much sickness & pain. it's way, way, way more than i can handle. nobody f'n gets it!! what is the point of living this life full of constant chronic pain, continuous illness after illness, major abandonment issues and severe mental distress?!? seriously, why would anyone want to wake up each day like this?? Answer: They wouldn't!!

so if you think i'm annoying and crazy...remember this: i'm still here. i'm still trying. i'm dealing with some really horrible things that nobody i know could possibly comprehend. i actually think that makes me incredibly brave!!!

I was seriously way too sick to keep my afternoon doctors appointment today!! I felt so bad rescheduling...AGAIN!! Ugh, but the day is starting to look up. I had my medicine ♥; and now I'm gonna hop in a long, hot bath and read trashy mags for an hour (FUN-FUN!!) Then once I get out and dry my hair and put on some new pj's...I am so ordering something w/ pasta sauce, garlic & mucho cheese!!! Yeah, I kinda predict a nap soon after....heh

Basically, my mood feels a little better now. Thank Goodness!! ;o) ~ks

deleted everything else. needed to start fresh. re-add me if you'd like...thanks, ~kimberly